The History of Bread

Bread was invented B.C. 10000 by the enlightened TKA or Toast Kicker alpha as a failed attempt at a soccer ball, but the indigenous cultures seemed to enjoy it so much that he let them have it. It wouldn't be for thousands of years until toast was invented when a drunk man fell and dropped his bread into a fire, creating Toast Some quantum theorists predict that the TKA appeared and pushed the drunk man in order to change the course of history.

The forms of bread.

According to TKA bread has over $186438176431^5*64884654165/2$ different species. Unfortunately only 10 species of bread still are known to us today.

The ten are:

1. English Porter Bread
2. Baja bread
3. French Delight Bread (relating to French toast)
4. ZOPH (to be yelled angrily) bread
5. Pumpernickel
6. Russian Musketkick bread
7. Red Bread
8. Banana Bread
9. TKA Brand Muffin Bread
10. Biscuit

Bread Descriptions

Here are the descriptions of the above bread species.

1. English Porter Bread:

English Porter Bread is the only type of bread not found on earth, It is created by a triple super nova inside of the moon that happens once every trillion years. Which is why many theorise, NASA went to the moon. This bread is so large, that if fills the entire core of the moon. If this bread is ever eaten, it angers the enlightened TKA.

2. Baja bread:

This bread is formed by a chemical reaction that happens in Buddha's belly when he goes to the gym. The legend states that whoever can scale Buddha's belly, and get the bread, can succeed in getting the bread, but will ALWAYS lose the game. (u mad bro?) It is also the spiciest bread, measuring in at 16,000,001 Scoville units, it is so spicy that it is classified by some as a neurotoxin.

3. French Delight Bread

This extremely common type of bread is the most hazardous, but tasty form of modern day yeast aided whole grain products. It was invented by itsself when if decided to say 'PAY PEOPLE ATTENTION! I EXIST!' It then snapped out of existence and created quantum physics. This bread when toasted looses all of its hazardous properties, and is safe to kick.

4. ZOPH bread

ZOPH bread is more of a hostile bread in the nature that whenever you say ZOPH it MUST be yelled angrily. If it is not, it angers TKA and you will be banished from this particular type of bread. The most crucial ingredient in ZOPH bread is grown on the backs of hammer head sharks. This ingredient is a bacteria that replaces yeast, It starts to eat the bread on its own before the bread gets to intense to handle, then it dies. Many say that this bread is 'Born in Death' Unfortunately for such a beautiful wheat product, this bread has strong emotions of hatred for some unknown reason. This is the reason, it is said that as the old proverb goes 'Ye mst be scremin ZOPH on ye bred.' or 'You must always scream ZOPH'

5. Pumpernickel

This bread was invented by Bob Evans after he survived the Spanish inquisition in 1938. This bread's crucial ingredient is soil. Unlike most bread which is made, this bread is grown. All you need to do is plant a bread seed on fertile soil, then put a nickel on top. This gives you pumpernickel bread which is also a quite satisfactory toast.

6. Russian Musketkick bread

Russian Musketkick bread, which was created in the fifties by leading soviet scientists in that field. This sturdy breed of bread is actually born as toast instead of bread, and was originally used as training for the soldiers. Russian Musketkick is far more docile today than it was back then, and is very rare. It is also the most satisfactory kicking material.

7. Red Bread

Most people believe that this bread was only invented as a red-neck joke that wasn't even very funny. However it has turned out to be a very dismal, boring, bread but one of the most use full, kinda like the toilet paper of the bread world.

8. Banana Bread

Banana Bread was invented naturally by nature when a banana tree fell on a bread tree. This is said to be the best type of bread out there, HOWEVER, Banana Bread shall NOT be toasted, kicking toasted banana bread is directly against The 7 scrolls of the elder TKA. If you kick this bread, you will be banished from earth and quite possibly existence itself.

9. TKA muffin brand bread

TKA muffin brand bread was Invented by TKA himself as pillows for his feet. This bread bakes into a muffin top that makes a superior foot rest for the after kick nap.

10. Biscuit

Not much is known about this mysterious bread, It is only mentioned once, briefly by TKA in Sacred Toast Kicking Scrolls when he is said to have mined out an entire mountain to just find a scrap. Many scientists believe that if we had access to this bread, all world problems would vanish for some unknown reason. The British cannot survive without this bread, and will not share the secret of this forbidden bread. Some believe that the reason that the British need it so badly is due to a curse that the TKA put on them.

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