Toast Kicking

'''Toast Kicking''' or '''Kicking toast''' is a popular action in which the participant's foot is applied with extreme brute force to a toasted piece of bread, or in layman's terms, '''toast'''. This act was started five-thousand years ago by a man known as Toast Kicker Alpha (TKA). Toast Kicking is a very popular activity in many parts of the world. Despite the legend of Toast-kicker Alpha, this may have been rooted in human psychology, as it seems, the brain is wired to take a third action in the fight or flight response, also known as the "Fight, Flight, or We Could Just Kick Toast Instead" response. Many theorize that if we would take this third option, all war would cease. The main problem is that there would be a horrible shortage of toast, which would cause many to develop a toast deficiency, and killing millions.


Humans most likely developed toast kicking as a way to ward off evil spirits, which would be scared by the crunching of the foot upon the toast. Back then, it was a sacred ritual, with bread toasted by master Breadtoasters and the toast was then consecrated and kicked by the highest shamans. In that time many were afraid of toast kicking, due to it's association with the dark arts and the harsh punishments that befell any commoner who tried to kick the toast. Soon, in what became known as the "Toastal Inquisition", all toast kicking techniques were received with torture and death, causing many to abandon the art and pronounce it as witchcraft. Toast kicking was almost lost to history in what would be known as "The greatest tragedy to ever befall the earth". Then, centuries later, the great Toast-kicker Alpha and brought the great art of toast kicking back from near extinction. His methods were perfect, the trajectory was accurate, and his foot velocity was terminal. This prophet of toast kicking recorded his formula in a sacred scroll that has been lost to history for thousands of years. Nowadays, toast kicking is a dying art, due to overcommercialization and lack of knowledge on proper toast kicking technique. Others hypothesize that our earth is one giant piece of toast, and that one day the apocalypse will fall when "The Great Foot Of God" will come down for one final toast kick. These people should be considered extremists and should not be believed until you see a giant foot sailing through space, and even then it may be disregarded.

The Future of the Toast Kick

Even though the description makes toast kicking look like a dying art, it is not just that way. In many parts of the world, more and more people are adopting this doctrine every day. Even though it's had its hardships, people will be kicking toast for generations. Imagine the future, people will have personal toast kicker machines, toast will be kicked in zero gravity, and with science on our side, we may be able to kick toast in ways we could never understand.


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Classical Toast Kick.

There are many ways to kick toast, and many new forms and disciplines are being created all over the world. There are so many deviations, in fact, that there is a dispute over what can and can not be considered toast kicking. The most popular and well known include:

Classical Form

Even though the great Toast-kicker Alpha's mystic scrolls are lost to history, unending research has been put into rediscovering the equation he used. The result was a form that, while cruder, is possibly the closest analogue to the TKA's form. It is a very spiritual art, many who practice this discipline life as hermits in the mountains, praying five times a day for divine inspiration from the TKA himself. Less people join this art's leagues because of its demanding lifestyle and limit to expressive freedom. To combat this, monasteries have been formed, great gathering places where the spiritual and casual can practice in peace and harmony. This too, doesn't seem to help due to the clashing of ideas and the defacement of many of these monasteries.

Street Form

This discipline is the most free, and by far the most variable. Being one of the newer forms, the popularity of this art has gone up exponentially, even showing signs of surpassing Classical Style in popularity. This form utilizes dance moves and freestyle pop culture references, which is why many join this artform. People debate whether this should be considered true toast kicking, as there is punching, headbutting, and name-calling put into this very expressive form. Others consider it a debasement on what the TKA wanted us to take from toast kicking, and want it outlawed, due to its blasphemous overtones. This form has also been given bad PR, due to its use by many gangs to frighten victims.

Western Form

This form is by far the most popular, with over a billion followers. Founded in 1043 by a Brother Menillius Agenomin Theodore Tenoptius, this form gracefully combines powerful swinging maneuvers with delicate toe inflection. It is more of a casual art, not requiring as much as Classical Form but still adhering to stern and useful rules. Many consider it to be superior to TKA's form in many ways, but other disciplines consider this pompous, causing many wars and bloodshed. The Western Form was most famously used by knights in times of chivalry, and was almost required when saving princesses from dragons and similar activities. It was also a vital drive during the crusades, many people think that the crusades were a fight for the holy land, when actually, they were a fight between the classical and the western styles of toast kicking.

New Age Toast Kicking
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This is a PERFECTLY REAL example of Postmodernist Toast Kicking.

New Age "Postmodernist" Toast Kicking

This form of kicking toast is by far the newest and most painful method. It involves listening to dub-step, while diving off of a sky scraper, while wrestling a polar bear, and strapping buttered toast to the bottom of your shoes (see also the Toast Levitation Paradox) in order to survive the impact of the enormous fall. When you reach the ground you must rip 12 teeth out of the polar bear and tie them to your left shoe. You then untie the toast and drop kick it at least 150km/hr. If the goal is not completed one must admit defeat and swallow themselves whole. Many theorists consider this extremely silly and commence binding these polar bears with duct tape and the power of positive thinking. Then the world explodes. This is seen as a way for postmodernists to say "Who's laughing now" to physics.

Sequential Toast Kicking

In sequential toast kicking, the main form of the art is kicking the toast while it is still in the toaster. This is a risky artform; first of all, you must have an understanding of the laws of what is toast and what is bread, so you do not kick the toast prematurely. Secondly, one must wear steel toed boots, for most toasters are hard and metal, and this is a great hazard for painful toe stubbing. Finally, great caution must be taken, the toaster is hot, and no one likes toe blisters. Due to the technical nature of this form, it is limited to trained professionals, but is quite rewarding. Another disadvantage of this discipline is the costliness, this is very popular among the wealthy, due to the need of a replacement toaster. Research has been put into an indestructible toaster, so this may not be as costly in the future. Some think this also gives you a deep connection with the Earth and the changing of the seasons.

Toast Kick Flipping

Toast kickflipping involves the kicker to be riding a skateboard make of toast forged in the deep heart of Mt. Toasty. This is so hard to aquire that it has only been done 24 times in recorded history. As the kicker rides this toast skateboard they must do a quad kick flip and then while air-borne they must kick it into the fourth dimention. This pleases Toast Kicker Alpha and adds 12 miliseconds to your lifespan. This is also an extremely awesome art, and is the toast kicking equivalent of playing an electric guitar, on top of a mountain, surrounded by flames while being struck by lightning, fighting alien werewolf cyborg zombie ninja vampire mailman wizards from the seventh dimension who fight using flaming light saber gatling gun chainsaw dynamite katanas and drive ghostly tessarects that shoot lasers and particle beams while learning the true meaning of friendship and a guy named Earl. And winning.

Augmented Toast Kicking

This is a major competitor to toast kicking and seems to be having its effect on the influence on the art of the kicked toast. Augmented toast kicking is not kicking toast at all, it is actually properly known as grilled cheese kicking. While it has been around almost as long as the toastkick, it has gained popularity in the last thirty years as "the way of the future", even though some consider kicking grilled cheese to be playing God. The type of power experienced by kicking grilled cheese is extreme, but it has been known to corrupt people. It is considered a dark art, as well as being detrimental to the users health after the first few uses. It has been said in the recovered scrolls of TKA that it slowly weakens the good in people and possesses the mind. The TKA himself once preformed this act and was bedridden for days due to the ultimate good conflicting with the ultimate evil that had manifested in his body. Today we celebrate that as a holiday called Beatthegrilledcheese day, and we vow to never use this forbidden deviation ever again.


The only known cure for a grilled cheese kicking addiction is drinking water from the well built on the site where the TKA overcame the sickness induced by the kicking. Other than that, death is the only way to get rid of the disease for sure. There are several recommended ways to get rid of the curse, but it always comes back to the victim in the end.

Proper Toast Kicking Technique and Equation

Many factors apply to the proper art of toast kicking. While all styles have different takes on these base theorems, most adhere strictly tho them.

Proper Trajectory

The angle and velocity of the foot applied to the toast is by far the hardest part to master, taking years of practice and perfection to even achieve a modest form of kicking prowess. Many equations based upon foot size, toast butterocity, and shoe type have been tried and tested. While many fail miserably, select few equations achieve the desired effect based on the algorithms. One of the most popular theorems, used in many forms and styles is the Morozov-Schuster theorem. The equation is $"toast*αfoot+(624.8477α-velocityⁿ/(butter*mass))*245ⁿ"$, this is one of the most effective forms of toast kicking in the modern world.

Toast Species

Many different species of bread are created for all sorts of occasions, some specifically for toasting, while others are bred for size or chewiness. Please take note that many toasts meant for eating are not necessarily meant for kicking. One of the most desirable is the Russian Musketkick Toast, which was created in the fifties by leading soviet scientists in that field. This sturdy breed of toast is actually born as toast instead of bread, and was originally used as training for the soldiers. Russian Musketkick is far more docile today than it was back then, and is very rare. Others include English Porter Toast, which is said to be so rare that only ten men and women on this planet have ever kicked it, and Baja toast, which must be handled with extreme caution, for without the proper gear, the kicker's foot will most likely vaporize.

Toast Kicking in Science

In science, kicking toast has several medicinal, quantum, and paranormal benefits. Theory of toast kickery is a growing field with hundreds of branches and new discoveries being formed every day. Although, the scientific name for toast kicking is "Pedial Toasted Bread Motivation", it applies to quantum mechanics in several ways, including the theory of toast levitation and many believe that toast kicking is the reason why gravity is so much weaker than all of the other forces. The dead also seem to know a lot about pedial toasted bread motivation, including this robed figure that likes to call himself the TKA. As it seems, toast kicking can be applied to the laboratory as well as every day use. Many wonder how exactly the molecules in the human foot interact with the toast molecules on impact, and this is being studied by lead scientists in a joint effort with the Hubble team and the LHC Scientists. Not much information has arisen, as the two machines break down constantly. As for medicinal '''and''' paranormal uses, a good toast kick seems to be able to bring back the dead, good as new. This seems to root from how the toast affects one's soul and how if toast is properly bonded to a person's soul, a kick to it can put a soul in any body of your choosing. Plastic surgeons say that this will put them out of business, but this seems to be solved by the fact that there are not many lifeless husks lying around nowadays. This seems to help the process of cryogenically freezing someone, simply removing the soul and then putting it back in the future.

Toast kicking and You

In a healthy diet, it is recommended that an individual should kick toast at least four times a week. Injuries from improper techniques are serious, and that is why style development should be left to the professionals. A lot of people say that you shouldn't kick toast after your sixties, but this is false information, toastkicking in old age helps for retaining good muscle and bone strength. The TKA kicked toast until he dropped dead at the ripe old age of one-hundred and fifty-three.

Side Effects:

Although toast kicking is recommended for anyone under and over the age of 50, serious side effects may occur. These Side effects include:

Abdominal pain, cramping
Bleeding readily without clotting
Blistered, swollen lips; burning tongue, inflamed mouth
Chest pains
Constricted airway
Depression, anxiety, panic, thoughts of suicide or death, agoraphobia, feelings of hopelessness, feeling alone
Dry mouth and sinuses
Elevated liver enzyme levels
Eyes crossed or unfocused
Fatigue, lethargy, weakness, loss of fine motor control
Hair loss
Heartburn, indigestion
Heart palpitations, accelerated heartbeat, elevated blood pressure, atrial fibrillation
Hot and cold flashes
Irritability or nervousness
Joint pain, stiffness, or swelling
Leg, foot pain
Memory loss (short-term)
Metallic taste
Migraines (severe headaches), stabbing head pain
Mood swings
Nausea, vomiting
Night sweats
Numbness of the limbs
Numbness of the tongue or gums
Rash, itchiness
Sensitivity to light
Sensitivity to sound
Shortness of breath
Sleeplessness, restlessness
Spaced-out, unfocused, light-headed, or drugged sensation; difficulty verbalizing ideas, confusion
Sugar craving
Tinnitus (ringing in the ears)
Upset stomach, burping
Weight gain

There is also a side form of toast kicking known as moldy bread stomping.This is a NOT a bad thing. TKA favors this amongst his less fourtunate followers who only have access to the moldy bread left over from the local bakery. This makes it possible for the good little hobos of the world to gain TKA's favor. Although not as effective as toast kicking it will still add whole minutes to your homeless disease ridden lives.
The advantages of moldy bread stomping are that your life will be extended through TKA's karma. 100 loaves of moldy bread stomped= 30 minutes extra in your decaying box/home at the end of your life.

See Also

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