Toast-Kicker Alpha


The Toast-kicker Alpha, also known as Auburn Ustershire Samfred Tiltenhoe Ingotsio Nerius, is possibly the most influential person of the last eon. His pioneering in the field of toast kicking has revolutionized the human condition. The TKA's valiant research in the field of toast kicking created several breakthroughs, including; the invention of fire, the end of barbarism and the Second Great Toast War, the development of agriculture, new research in microprocessor technology, the lightbulb, teatime, linux, dogs as pets, and the text message. While it may seem unbelievable that one man could create so many things that changed the world, but some believe that the TKA was divinely inspired by God himself.


Early Life

The TKA was born on a warm winter night in Belgium, Germany in B.C. 3209. From birth, the TKA knew that he was different. He could do complex toast kicking algorithms in his head while others struggled to comprehend the inner workings of his mind, he could also make perfect toast in less than a minute, and his body was designed specifically for the art of toast kicking. The TKA discovered his talents at an early age, due to the fact that his father was a master Breadroaster, who allowed him to have all of the toast kicking resources that he could ever need. As he grew in age, he also grew more powerful in the art of kicking toast, and as a man of sixteen, his father believed that he should go to the city of Byblos to go under the apprenticeship of the great toast-kicking philosopher, Wythl.

Apprenticeship Under Wythl

While at first they argued over techniques and toastmaking techniques, the TKA eventually formed a strong bond with his mentor, and his power grew exponentially. Soon, the TKA was one of the most powerful toastkickers in the world, hundreds coming to him to learn his toastkicker ways. Wythl soon was reignited with jealousy, and sought to kill the TKA. Years passed and the TKA, now aged 25, was more powerful in the toast kicking arts than anything the world had ever seen, so the TKA left the brooding Wythl and sought to travel the world, teaching people of the ways of the kicked toast.

Exile in the Mountains

While some greeted his practice with open arms, others did not and soon, he was driven into a fifteen year exile in the mountains, where he perfected his art by fighting bears and meditating under waterfalls. Also, while he was there, he wrote the Sacred Toast Kicking Scrolls, which are lost to history, but show the perfect toast kicking method that the TKA wanted us all to have. He also wrote several important texts like Ode to Toast and War and Peace. His presence, sadly, became more and more noticeable, for his toast kickings hailed lightning and angels from the heavens. Also, while he gained power he was also visited by his true mother Yothoscelia, the goddess of bread. Enlightened by this revelation he gained new and amazing toastkicking gifts.

Return to Civilization

At the age of forty, the TKA was now more powerful than ever, but the town of Byblos was in ruins. Searching for an answer, the TKA interrogated a random crazy guy off of the side of the road. The crazy guy responded with this great riddle: "THAT GUY OVER THERE!" The TKA used all of his brilliance to deduce the riddle, and then turned his head to where the guy pointed.

See Also

Enlightened Toast Kicker Alpha

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